Days when I did what I did simply because I enjoyed it

Yesterday on the tube, traveling up through London away from work, I took myself back to my childhood days to look at what I chose to do when there was no money to make, no one to impress, no mark to make in the world, nothing was expected of me. Days when I did what I did simply because I enjoyed it.

It was fun to remember back to a time of no limits, when I dreamed freely and created whatever role I wanted for myself. They were days of make-believe games, fairies in the back garden, paints and glue and Easter egg hunts. As I scanned back and forth across my childhood memories I began to get a clear picture of what I was naturally drawn to in those days: letting my imagination create new worlds, playing with colour and patterns, painting and creating with whatever was at hand, writing stories, exploring, learning and discovering as I went along, being with people, creating with them, connecting with them, I was content, fulfilled and happy. I did things because I enjoyed doing them, because I wanted to have fun. I knew what I wanted to do and I did it.

I then began the same exercise looking at ' how do I like to play now?' 20 years on, 'what do I enjoy doing?' And that's where the problems began. I got caught up in a tangled web of confusion. Somewhere along the line between those early days and now I have made my life a whole lot more complicated – I was suddenly asking myself ‘why DO I do what I do now?’.

Gradually it seems I stopped doing things just because I enjoyed them. Now I look at why I do things and I see that I do them in order to make money, please people, to look good, impress people, fit in, stand out, receive attention, praise and approval…and that’s just the beginning. No wonder I finally got bored of it all!

The moment I do something in order to get something in return, the fun is taken out of it. There is pressure and expectation and a fear of failure. Game over.

So where do I go now? How do I free myself from the limitations I’ve been putting on myself to discover what it really is I would enjoy spending my time doing?

Back to the days of letting my imagination flow freely I think.

Tomorrow I will write down a list of all the things I dream of doing, free from limitations, as if qualifications and money were no object, as if a magic wand could be waved and it would all come true in an instant. In that space of anything being possible I'll create a vivid picture in my head of what my life would be like if those dreams were to come true: who I'm with, what I'm doing, what I'm talking about, what opportunities it offers me, why I love doing it, how I'm feeling and who I'm being. It’s been a long time since I gave my imagination such freedom, I’m looking forward to it.