A faltering start to a new beginning

So there I was. Staring at a computer screen wondering what on earth I was doing there. Six weeks into a Graduate Trainee scheme and the job I thought would be the change I needed was anything but. Six weeks is not a long time, I know, but it's led to decisions which have given me hope for the future. But that moment has sparked off a change in my mental state which has given me a new found sense of hope for the future.

Prior to this moment my career path was littered with poor choices and bad moves. I studied biology at uni because it was the least disinteresting of my A-levels. My second job as a proofreader was the result of 6 months of fruitless job applications. I'd already worked in an editorial department for 2 years in an admin position and realised that proofreading was not for me. However, it's funny how 6 months of frustration can erode your resolve and make the only opportunity - no matter how unsuitable - seem appealing. Within 3 months of taking the job I was already looking for another.

It was at this point that I started to think about what I wanted from a job. Something positive and worthwhile; something that I would enjoy. But what that something was, I wasn't sure. I came up with the notion that I should try applying in the charity sector. I really wanted to temp because I thought that would expose me to a broad range of positions in the sector. My father, however, felt differently. Fearful of how such a short stay at my current position would look to other employers, he dissuaded me from moving to a temp job. So I applied for permanent positions in the sector, getting into the chicken and the egg scenario of no job without relevant experience and vice versa.

After another 6 months of getting nowhere I decided to compromise. Maybe I couldn't get into the charity sector, but was there something related I could do? After a bit of searching I applied for a place on a Graduate Trainee scheme with my local council - doing something good for my local community and all. Very socially positive. I made it through a tough selection process and won a spot on the scheme. After a year in a job where I was permanently anxious, stressed and depressed, it finally felt as if it was asta la vista misery, hello fulfillment! Or so I thought.

Stuck in the Housing section, for which I had no real interest, and with no discernible team or structured work programme, I felt isolated and alone. The project management aspect of the course also petrified me. How on earth was I going to manage experienced Housing professionals with my miniscule knowledge? It seemed an impossible task. And that brings us back to the start of my story. Staring at the screen wondering what I was doing.

And then I made a snap decision.

Partly based on fear and anxiety; partly based on gut feeling, I handed in my resignation. Explaining my reasons was not easy to convey to my managers; even harder to express to my father. He didn't understand why I had done it - I still don't think he fully does - but for the first time in my career path (if you can call it that) to date, I took a decision and didn't let anyone influence me. I'm not saying it was the best thought-out plan. I'm not even saying it was the wisest decision I've ever made. But it has empowered me to follow my own path.

That was 6 months ago and, although things are far from perfect, I think they're moving in the right direction. Still, I do find I make mistakes. After leaving the council, instead of temping and going for the experience over the financial aspect, I held out for a job which would pay a decent hourly rate. This has got me a position in the Church of England Pensions Board. Now, considering I'm an imaginative, creative type who doesn't consider maths as a strength, this is isn't the best position for me to be in. However, it is only temporary and I'm making plans to volunteer abroad for 6 months later this year - getting back to the original plan of working for a charity. I'm also looking forward to getting out of the UK for a bit and seeing both work and life from a new perspective.

Prior to this I'm going to career counselling sessions to find out any hidden interests and passions I have, and integrate them into my job search. More from these sessions as and when I take them!

So, here is where I find myself: at the beginning of the journey. I'm not saying that what I have or will do is going to inspire anyone. But I do hope that somebody might relate to some of my experiences and try not to make the mistakes I have. I am quite an emotional person and do tend to overwhelm myself by imagining all the negative things that could happen in the future, or convincing myself that all the things I have to do must be done at the same time (hence my anxiety with project management). I guess that's who I am. But I'm trying to improve myself in all the areas of my historical weaknesses, and I'm open to suggestions for improvement in others.

I'll just have to see how I get on.