If I am putting it off, it must be important

Yes, having started out all excited, I spent the weekend feeling stressed. I noticed that I started biting my nails again.

Lots of other things seemed more important to get done than talking about my career. Just like a student who only has a super-tidy bedroom when they are supposed to be revising for their finals. I'm great at avoidance. All the diversions were important things that needed to be done, and that is why they were so convincing as excuses. One of then (sorting childcare for when I was am working) can even be passed off as being about this career change!

Except both my husband, Matthew, and I have done this sort of thing often enough to notice. He was great. He kept raising the topic, quietly but reminding me that I had asked if we could discuss it.

It all came out in a mess on Sunday night. Why does that always happen? Therapists know the syndrome, though I can't remember the word for it, when a client spends the whole session covering nothing important. Then two minutes before the end the real stuff sufaces. Then it is both too late to really go into it, but it allows the client to let it out to some extent.

Here I am procrastinating on getting to the real stuff again!

So, after arguing, crying, getting excited, losing my way again, nearly arguing again, I came up with the following statement of what my true work was all about.

I help people to live their values:
1. Assuming they (currently) want to go on that journey (it is their life and therefore their choice
2. By living my own values (with all the joy, work and honesty that goes with that)
3. By offering coaching and training which is both supportive / on the side of my clients and therefore also allows me to use my insight to challenge clients to go to the tough places as well.

To put this is context, I have previously organised and delivered a variety of training courses, got qualified and worked in careers guidance and as a coach, specialising in small business start up. While I was on maternity leave, the company I worked for closed. I know that I want a paid job rather than to be freelance. This is mostly for the company - I am already feeling lonely with mostly toddler interaction each day.

The discussion was not easy. I realise there is a lot going on in my head all at once. Firstly, the feeling that I am 'out of practise' after more than a year. I am full of admiration for Mums who restart a career after a much longer break.

Then there are all things I used to worry about when I was working before. Am I just a fake? I never seem to really know what I am doing, but enjoy working it all out. I am good enough to get away with this and do well at it. In fact, as soon as I get truly expert, I am bored and want to do something new. But when my work invovles clients, especially clients with not much money putting their lives on the line by starting a business, is this irresponsible on my part. If they fail, how much is it my fault.

Actually, I know the answer. I am actually good at coaching. Very good, in fact. Except for the very times when I worry about whether I am good at it, and whether my client thinks (or would think) I am a wierdo. Then I dive into 'advice' rather than 'coaching' and start trying to rescue them. The advice I give is pretty good too, but not nearly so deep or insightful or life-changing. It also becomes about what I think they should do, and not what they think they should do. I have experienced again and again when it works and when it doesn't, and yet I still don't always trust it. Trust myself, that is.

So, that is really why I put things off, I think. Here I am, going back into the world, and being unsure of whether I can trust myself. Well, I can. And I ended the evening with a list of people to call - people who work in the field that I already know and get on with. I tried one in the daytime today (yes, I finally stopped putting it off) and will call another right now as I end this blog. No matter how scary it is.