It's my life too

I think I am finally going mad. I really wanted to be a Mum (my second careershift) and I still do. But if I spend one more month limited to my flat, the library and the local shops I will scream. Or cry. Or both.

For years (long before I actually had a child) I have worried about how I would reconcile mothering with work. I've always been career-minded. Much to my amazement, by the second trimester of my pregnancy I didn't think any of that was important. By the third trimester, I was desperate to stop work, tidy my house, buy baby things and generally indulge my nesting fantasies. Becoming a parent is hard. But it has also been wonderful. For at least six months I didn't want to do anything else.

At seven months the itch to have some mental stimulation was returning. Part of me felt like responding to every 'help wanted' notice I saw in shop windows, and when have I ever wanted to work in retail? But I didn't envy the Mums I knew who were going through the emotional wrench of leaving their child in a nursery and going back to the office. I kept busy organising our house move instead.

Now the bureaucracy of the house move is dragging on and is depressing rather than stimulating. All but one of my ante-natal class fellow mums have gone back to work, at least part-time. And I am bored to tears.

My daughter had her first birthday on Friday, and whenever she is in a big group of children, she ignores me and rushes off to explore by herself. So, though there are the inevitable tuggings of guilt that I should remain a full-time Mum (what will my mother-in-law think?), I think she is old enough to cope with a couple of short days a week with a child-minder or at nursery. I'm lucky that she has never been clingy and I think that having a happy and fulfilled mother will also do her good. My guilt monster asks if I am just making excuses, but I am stamping on his head.

I know from experience that I do better if I don't feel alone while dealing with this stuff. So, I've agreed with my husband that we will spend time on Saturday talking about what I want to do next, where I will start looking and how to deal with the logistics. And this shiftlog is also intended to keep me on track for what is potentially my third shift. I've spent a year being responsible for someone else. It's time to remember again that I am responsible for keeping my own life fulfilling too.