"We tend to see things not as they are, but as we are... "
Brahma Kumaris
In this article I will explore values as an internal navigation system by which you can choose to live your life and which will bring you closer to happiness and fulfilment if you do. The impact of values can be huge and life changing and can really help with your career choice. I will also give you some practical ways to start to tap into your values for yourself.
We view our life through the filter of our values
When we look out at the world, often we assume that everyone is viewing events and feeling the same as we do about them. So when we see what we judge to be injustice or unfairness or something that makes us quiver with anger, we assume that everyone else feels the same. How could they not? Then, when our reaction isn't met and people think we are over reacting, we are confused. ‘How can they not feel the same about this as I do?' you ask yourself. 'How can they just breeze by and be unaffected by it?'.
Values bring realisations
Here's a personal example. I worked for a large retail company for a number of years before I became a coach. I always had a nagging feeling that something was missing but was generally happy (or so I thought), had a good lifestyle and was kind of drifting along. Then a coach worked with me on my values and it shifted my whole reality. I realised with a sudden jolt that ‘making a difference to people' was one of my biggest values and I had been ignoring it for a long time.
Values drive decisions and change
Once I had this realisation I literally knew I couldn't stay in my job. For a while I couldn't believe that anyone else would want to either. ‘Who cares if we sell more baked beans?!' I wanted to shout in the foyer in my frustration. But then I realised that not everyone has that value and there were lots of people who could work there and be totally fulfilled. One of the joys in life is that we are all a unique mixture of our values, strengths, passions and purpose. But values do come with a health warning; once you are really aware of them, it becomes ever harder to drift along and tolerate a life which is not fundamentally making you happy!
Recognise your own values and live the life you really want
When I work with clients on career change, one of the first exercises I do with them is to ask them to work on their values. Understanding values helps people re-orient themselves around what they really want, not what others think they should do.
Often clients don't really know what is important to them, what they must have in their life at a fundamental level. They can often say very clearly what their parents, teachers and friends think they should do (sound familiar?!) but have lost sight of what it is that they actually want deep down in their heart and soul. Or, they may know what they really want, but have formed a belief already that it's not possible to have it.
So what are these elusive values anyway?
Well, they're kind of hard to describe, but summed up they are the essence of you; a seam that runs through the core of who you are. And they have some qualities:
Values are innate - they are fundamental to who we are and they don't significantly change
They are intangible - examples might be integrity, connection, making a difference, fun. Ok, those ones are all mine!
They operate as an internal compass for you to make decisions. So when faced with a choice you can ask yourself: Does this really fit with my values? Believe me, once you really find your values, it becomes blindingly obvious whether you are living in line with them or not.
Discovering your top 5 values
There are various exercises that you can do to help you unearth your values. Try out some of these and see which work for you. You are looking for values and themes to show up underneath the stories such as ‘I felt independent, I could really be myself, it was creative, I was with my family etc.
Be attentive to your reactions. What gives you an emotional ‘hit'; where do you feel deep down that you are on to something important for you?
Peak experience:
Think of a time in your life when you were completely happy, a ‘peak' experience where you felt in flow and everything was right. Allow yourself to really sink into the feeling of that experience, you want to actually be emotionally back in the experience as much as possible. Now let yourself write freely what you loved about it. What comes up for you? What values are being expressed?
Things that drive you mad:
Think of a situation or event where you have got really angry or upset or frustrated. What was pushing your buttons? What was it about that circumstance or what someone did that you fundamentally disagreed with? Let yourself really rant! Now look for the value underneath that which is being trodden on. So, for example, if you hate it when people are rude and disrespectful, you might have a value around respect.
What you couldn't live without:
What couldn't you live without in your life? What would you hold on to at all costs? It could be an experience or an object. What about it is so important to you? So, if you love skiing, what is it about it that you love so much? Do you love the outdoors, the freedom, the adrenalin?
Honing and refining your values
Once you have done the exercises, start to look for themes. What words or emotions are repeating themselves? What do you know, at a deep level inside, to be the important words? You are using your intuition and your heart here so switch the logic off for a while!
Pick some words and ‘mind map' around them. So, if you have ‘fun' as a word, what other words does that throw up? They could be laughter, joy, passion, childishness. You are aiming to come up with a word string that is very unique and personal to you. So, my personal version of fun is ‘childishness/joy/helpless laughter'. It makes me think of laughing with my twin sister until we both feel sick! What's your personal way of expressing what is important for you? Also, be open to random connections - the real value might not even look like the value you started with.
If you're struggling with this process yourself, find a friend, coach or mentor to help you and work with you until you have something that really rings true for you. I cannot emphasise enough how much it is worth you investing the time and effort in this process.
Make choices and decisions for you
You now know that when you are faced with a decision to make in your life, you can go back to these values and ask yourself if this choice is in line with or against your values. Will it fulfil you or not? It also gives you a place of strength to stand up for what you want and believe in when others think they know what's best for you. When you speak from your values it is pretty powerful!
And finally, I want to acknowledge that living by your values is a courageous act. In some ways it is so much easier to keep going along with what others want or to just try to fit in and be ‘normal' and the same as everyone else. However, what I absolutely know is that by living in line with your values you will have a whole lot more happiness and fun in your life. Enjoy exploring!
Interested to know more?
To find out more about coaching or for a free career consultation contact Lisa at lisa@sparklezone.com or visit www.sparklezone.com.
Next month - find out how connecting to and understanding your purpose can help you in your career shift.
By Hiren