“Selfish” is a bad word in most peoples perception. As a society we applaud peoples self-lessness, honour, sacrifice and service to a great degree, and frown upon anyone we think of as selfish.
I invite you to consider the opposite view for a little while, with good reason. You can of course revert to your original point of view at anytime after reading this article; just suspend your disbelief and indignation for a few minutes to explore this thought.
It’s critical to be self-ish and self-centered in my view, i.e. centered on your self, especially when considering the key question of what you want to do with your life or in other words, who do you want to be in your life?
Notice I said “your life” – not your mums or dads or partners or best mate’s life. Since it is your life, who else could possibly have a better idea than you about who you want to be and what you want to do? Of course a lot of people think that they have a better idea but will they live with the consequences of their suggested choices and decisions? No they will not, you will and if you’re reading this piece, you probably already are and are experiencing a certain level of dissatisfaction as a result. Here’s the thing, if you were meant to live your life the way someone else wants you to, you would be that someone else and since you’re YOU, maybe, just maybe there is a clue in that. Whatever/whoever created this magnificent Universe with all its beauty, wonder, splendour and mystery, created you. Is it possible a system so elegant and precise that every snowflake that ever fell from the sky is unique, messed up when it came to you? I don’t think so.
An even more important reason to be selfish in following your heart’s desire is that if you don’t, you will eventually end up being miserable and resenting the people and reasons that you allowed to talk you out of doing what you want. It’s a strange aspect of being human – we are brought up to please others and not hurt their feelings, so often we don’t say no to others and then hurt ourselves in the process. The question I invite you to consider is, is it worth it?
What would you tell your child or best friend if they asked you whom they should please – themselves or another? Would you say go ahead and be miserable, just make the other person happy? Of course you wouldn’t! So what stops you being your own best friend and doing the same for yourself? I know a lot of us don’t want to hurt the people we love and those who love us and rely on us, and rightly so. Loving someone means you want them to be happy. The fact that they love you means they definitely want you to be happy too. Will seeing you unhappy make them happy? The key question is – do you love you enough to want to see yourself happy?
Often we say yes to others when we want to say no, we do things for others when we know we don’t want to and we sometimes even become someone for others because it’s expected of us and we don’t want to disappoint them and then we get to resent them for it! Resentment is not a loving emotion or space to be in and is damaging for any relationship. Perhaps the quote that best describes this point is “Resentment is the poison we drink thinking it will kill someone else.” I also believe that we dis-empower others by taking ownership of making them happy. How so? Well if we take on the responsibility for others happiness, the message they get is that they need us to make them happy and cannot be happy on their own. So what happens if you have a bad day?
Bottom line is that we are each responsible for our happiness and it’s their job to make themselves happy not yours. It is however your responsibility to make yourself happy, so take ownership of your own happiness.
If you are someone that derives a lot of satisfaction from making others happy, the most compelling reason to follow your bliss is that when you are empty, you have nothing to give anyone. Think about it, if you’ve had a hard day at the office and come home exhausted and frazzled, how available are you as a loving parent or partner? How much of a friend can you be to another when you’re tired and unhappy? We are at our most loving and generous when we are well and happy. That’s when we can be caring and have fulfilling relationships with our loved ones and that’s when we are most enjoyable to be with. The people we care about delight in our happiness! So you owe it to the people you love to be happy and well – mentally, emotionally and physically, because that’s when you are at your best and have the most to offer them. Include yourself among those you love and you’ve got the best formula for decision-making when it comes to deciding on what you do and whom you choose to become.
So how can you start being more selfish? You need to build your selfishness (aka self-fulfillment) muscle in small steps, just like any other muscle.
- Before making any commitments or saying yes to others requests ask – “Do I really want to do this?”
- Be clear on the consequences of saying yes (or no) to a request and ask if you are prepared to live with them. If you are go ahead. If not, reconsider and come up with an alternative.
- Learn how to say No and mean it. Practice saying a congruent and convincing No in the mirror (or get a friend to help you) – stand tall, chin up, chest facing forwards, feet hip-wide and firmly placed on the ground. Imagine someone asking you to do something you don’t want to is standing in front of you – pause, take a deep breath and say No, firmly. Do this several times and practice every day if you are not used to saying no to people – remember it’s like a muscle – you have to build it up.
- Include yourself in your list of important people in your life and make space in your life for you – start with the small stuff e.g. take an evening off every fortnight or month to do your own thing whether that’s going to the pub with your mates, or getting a massage or going to the opera or a movie with the girls. (Remember to give your partner and loved ones the space to do the same).
- What fills you up? Do something that fills you up and gives you pleasure every month – dance the Tango, read a great book, watch stand-up comedy, go to a music concert – whatever floats your boat – go do it! Schedule it in your diary like a date or business meeting and stick to it.
- Applaud yourself and your success on being selfish – even if it’s a very small thing like saying no to a tele-sales agent - celebrate!!!
- Be your own best friend - when you have a decision to ponder – ask, “What would my best friend advise me to do?”
Go out there and be self-ish, because when you are all of you, all those around you can be all of who they are.
Author
Piya Khanna is an expert in change and transitions and helps professionals to be the best they can be in life-work by changing their mindsets and finding work that allows them to express themselves and fulfills them. She has over a decades experience in Investment Banking and has switched careers herself to become a High Performance Coach. Piya has lived and worked in India, Egypt, Switzerland and the UK and is the founder of Change to Succeed, an
organization that helps people to succeed and become their best selves by taking ownership of their lives and results.
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