How To Cope With Negative Reactions From Those Close To You When Changing Career - Part 1

Have you shared your career change ideas with those close to you, expecting support, only to receive doubts or strange looks? Careershifters Editor Sab offers her advice and tips on how to cope with negative reactions from family and friends during career change.
Recently I received an email asking for advice about how to deal with negativity that may come from those close to you whilst you're making a career change:
Can you also cover stuff like combatting other people's (family/friends) negativity or lack of support when telling them about your ideas/plans? It is one thing that has bugged me but I am no longer looking for support from people I know as it seems others are scared to see you change?
For some people, their family, partners and friends can be very supportive and understanding which is great (so if that applies to you, make the most of it!). However for others, the people close to you can react in less positive ways.
Be Prepared to Challenge Your Peers
With peers, often if you are choosing to leave a job or role that has a measure of prestige and is the 'expected thing' for you to do, it can shake up their beliefs about work. It may prompt them to question whether they are on the right track too. Sometimes friends will 'come out of the closet' once you do and secretly admit that they're not happy in their job too.
But perhaps they will think you have gone mad.
Often when we re-evaluate what we want from our working lives our values can and will change from our peers. You might start to value your time and money differently. You might find that you would rather spend time doing things that you really enjoy than meeting up at a bar to moan about work! If you have to be frugal to help with your career change you might shop less or be less intrested in the latest gadgets.
We always influence those closest to us whether we're aware of it or not. If you start to challenge the norms of your peer group - be that spending habits, or use of time, or questioning what work can be - then your friends will also sense these changes and think about them. If they don't want to change or are scared of these new ideas (which is often the case), then of course they will feel uncomfortable, and feel uncomfortable around you! You're no longer who they thought you were - even though you might feel you're the same nice, loyal friend inside -  and perhaps it's time for you to find people who share these emerging values with you.
Understand Opposition From Family
When it comes to family, they can have even more issues about who you 'are' and your career change! A lot of parents like their kids to go through the education system, become graduates, settle into a stable job, then settle down with a spouse. Then they know you're 'sorted' and don't have to worry about you! So if you have followed the plan with schooling, university, and a professional job, your parents have probably been happily thinking their plans for you are going smoothly. 'Ah, my son/daughter is set up now and their life will be plain sailing', they hope. They truly make safe plans for you because they care and worry about you as you go into the world. It's the protective parent thing.
Live Your Own Dream, Not Your Parents' Dream
So when we decide we want to do something 'off plan', they can go a bit mad. For some of us (especially if you're in your twenties), this can be the first real moment when we're taking responsibility for our lives and breaking away from our parents on a major life decision. It can be very hard indeed. If you're used to your parents being supportive of you (when you were on-plan), it can really hurt when they're not supporting your new career direction as you move off-plan. This happens in other areas of our lives too. If you start dating someone your parents didn't expect or envisage you dating, they can be negative, judgemental, hurtful, because they don't want to see you get hurt.
Maybe part of the resistance we can get from our parents is that if we decide to do something 'off-plan', that they don't agree with, it reminds them that their role as parents has changed. Some parents don't like their kids (no matter their age!) being too independent as it makes them feel a bit redundant, that if their children can make life choices without them that they're useless. However, they need to renegotiate their role as a parent, and as a person. They might not be the patriarch or stay-at-home mum anymore, so they have to find a new definition for themselves. And that's not your problem!
I guess it can hurt more when someone who you thought was close to you, who you thought loved you 'unconditionally', reacts badly to your career change. Some of us might feel that way about a parent or best friend - who you've had a wonderful relationship with for a long time - then a really ugly side comes out just because you want to follow your dream! The closer they are to you, the more painful it can be for them to see you 'change'.
Understand you are challenging the 'Norm'
There's also 'normalcy'. If the people around you value things being normal, easily understandable, traditional, and expected, then a drastic change can make them a little crazy. People who like consistancy and 'things going according to plan' aren't so great with change. They may resist it with everything they've got. They simply don't know how to deal with someone changing. They might unconsiously say hurtful things or put doubts in your head to keep you where you are, where it's familiar for them. It can feel very unfair, but I don't think they mean to intentionally hurt you. They could be operating out of sheer panic as they don't want to 'lose' you, or let go of the kind of relationship they've enjoyed for a long time.
Don't Take It Personally
One way to cope with all this is to not take it too personally. Rather than believe that they are specifically doubting you or your dream, try to see it that they're uneasy with change itself. If it's your parents that aren't being too supportive, think about this: if you had a sibling who wanted to make a drastic career change and you were the one in a stable job, your parents would respond negatively to your sibling. It's not personal.
That's not to say it's fun having negative reactions from people close to you. It can make you question whether people are your 'true friends' or really care about you. I think it's because they care about you that they can react negatively; out of fear, concern, and because you're shaking them up. If you weren't important to them they wouldn't care! I don't think they're intentionally trying to hold you back in a mean-spirited way. It's more likely that their idea of how your life was 'meant to be', or what their idea of 'work' and 'career' is has been shaken and they're flipping out.  Because you're so close to them, and influential to them, these changes are practically unavoidable to them. Any doubts they may have had themselves about their life path, work, spending habits, values etc will flare up and be magnified. If they want to make similar changes but are absolutely terrified of doing so, watching you be the brave one to make those changes kinda shows them up!
Don't Let Their Reactions Stop You
It can take a lot of inner strength and bravery to deal with their doubts and reactions. Yet remember that their reactions are not your responsibility. If they are unhappy about you wanting to get your dream career then they can either stay unhappy, resisting your change, or learn to be proud and supportive of you. Take on board any sensible concerns they might air that could help you make your career change easier (eg planning finances or trialling out a job first). BUT don't let their feelings stop you!
You can read Part 2, written by coach Sarah Cooper, here

Leave a comment below: How have loved ones reacted to your career change? How have your responded - do you keep your ideas more to yourself, or do you try to get them on board?
Written by Sab, the Online Editor for Careershifters. A sociology graduate, Sab has previously worked in Corporate Social Responsibility, and as a freelance filmmaker for a London gallery. You can follow her on Twitter